Adoption Journey-3

Once we decided on an agency, I downloaded their first application. We read through it all, signed a few papers, answered some questions, and watched an online video. It was long. 5 hours long. They talked about all the countries, all the laws, and a brief overview of what happens when you decide to adopt. One of the many questions they ask you is what sex and how old. We are leaving the sex part blank. Granted, I would love to have another girl but I am leaving this one up to God. He knows the right child for our family. If it's a little boy, then J and I would just be tickled to death to raise a son and if it's a girl, then she'll fit right in and London and Lily would love having a little sister. The age range I filled out is 6 months to 2 years. I really want a little baby. I sometimes think I have baby fever! Plus, this would be perfect--I hated being pregnant, and I hated breast feeding so this is the best of both worlds! :) Other parts of the application were really interesting. I'm learning new things like: Hague and non Hague countries, dossiers, HIPAA, the "waiting child program", and so many other terms. I was feeling a little overwhelmed. This is such a big decision. It will forever change our family. Am I ready? I do have my doubts sometimes and some days I get so nervous. But I keep going and plowing ahead because I know God is behind all this. I can remember when J and I signed the last page...I felt so happy to get it all done. We prayed over the packet and mailed it off. It felt so official.

I wasn't planning on hearing anything back for awhile but only a few days went by and we got an email. The email welcomed us to the agency but then went on to inform us of some not-so-sweet information. It said, and I quote,
"As of January 1, 2012 our agency is no longer accepting applications for Honduars for children under the age of 4."
I felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks. No children under the age of 4? Why? I thought I had this all figured out? What was going on?
Well, as soon as I got the email, I called the agency. It was close to 5 and I was hoping to catch someone but I got a recording. I was so upset. I had to wait it out and find out more information the next day, which was a Friday. J and I talked about it and decided to just wait and see what they said. But I was still very upset. I secretly kept blaming God. I thought this is what He wanted? We were so confident about Honduras and now this new rule? Well, Friday finally came and I couldn't stand it, so I called back first thing. I got a message saying that the lady I needed to talk to was at an adoption seminar all day and could not return my call until Monday. Only things like this happen to me. So, all weekend I worried and worried and worried. J didn't seem to really mind as much as myself. It's all I thought about. (Funny how I look back on this now and see it as a huge lesson...) Well, Monday arrived and I got to talk to someone. The lady was sweet and simply said they have a bunch of families waiting in line to adopt babies from Honduras. Honduras has a law that you won't get a referral for 2 to 4 years. (I knew this going into it but I thought that by some divine intervention, we wouldn't have to wait that long.) She said that if we are in the back of that line, then it could take 10 years to adopt! She said they have some other great countries and to look into those. I told her I would discuss it with J and call back. I rememeber getting off the phone and wanting to cry. I called J and told him the news. He said we could discuss everything later. So, I jump onto the computer and frantically start finding a new country. I tried everything. China-out, it takes 5 years. Columbia-new program,  a maybe. Korea-mabye but it doesn't feel right. I couldn't make anything else work. No other country had that "feeling" like Honduras.
Later that night, I put the girls to bed and got a text from a friend, KH. A simple sweet text saying she was praying and thinking about me. That text opened my eyes. I grabbed my Bible, went into our bedroom, shut the door, got down on my knees, and prayed like I have never prayed before. I had tears, snot, mascara--the works. It was lovely. I prayed for direction. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for an answer. During my prayer, I got one of those feelings. I got an answer. The Lord flooded my heart with a quiet peace and in that peace I knew that J and I were to continue with Honduras despite this new rule. It was a peace that dried my tears and drove away my worries. In my prayer, I realized that all I kept saying was, "I want, and I need, and I hope, and I feel, and I, I, I....". It's not about me. It's about the Lord. This is His plan. Not mine. If it's left up to me then I am sure to screw it up. Right then, I truly gave it all over to God. I'm not driving this car anymore. I'm lost, scared, and can easily take a wrong turn. But with Him driving, I know my family is taken care of. We are safe. We are headed in the right direction. We are under His wings. I got up, straightened myself up and went to call J. Before I could even tell him what had happened, he said,  "I know this isn't what you wanted but we are going through with Honduras. I feel that it's the right choice." Wow. I almost lost it again.
The next day, I called the lady back and told her our plans. She said she thought we wanted a baby but I told her that God has some big plans for us in Honduras. I want a baby too but He wants something else for our family. We cannot get away from this country. It is where our child lives.
We do have some obstacles. The agency has rule that when you adopt, the child/baby must be 1 year younger than your youngest. They feel that the birth order should not be messed with and I completely agree. Lily will turn 4 in August. So, she changed our paper work and now we are adopting a child that could be 2 to 4 years old. He/She will probably be the same age or maybe a little younger than Lily. She also told me that anything can happen on this journey. We may end up getting that little baby. There is just so many things that can happen while going through adoption. All I know is, I feel at complete peace with this. I initially wanted a baby that I can mold, and shape, and make my own. I was scared to have a broken child. I was scared to have a child that may have felt abandonded, or lonely, or sad. BUT it's out of my hands now. We are going to do the paper work, get the documention togther, and go to the classes...God will do the rest. We are at peace. I have never felt more sure of anything else. Oh, and now our referral process will take 8 months to 2 years. This freaked me out a little! I asked her what the average time was and she simply, "8 months." WOW!
So, the agency said they will have to resubmit our paper work and let us know when we get approved. Once we are approved, they send us the second application. I'm ready. Bring it on.